Now that The Onion has been acquired by Global Tetrahedron I’d love to see them bring back their best content. For those who don’t remember here’s the quick summary: the glory days of The Onion were before it was acquired by Univision, merged with the decrypt remains of Gawker after that Hulk Hogan/Peter Thiel mess, and sold off to some hedge fund as G/O Media. It wasn’t their best era. So far the new owners seem on board with their brand of humor at least, so there’s reason to be hopeful.
“In The Know with Clifford Banes” was their CNN Crossfire-style debate show parody that somehow managed to mock the format in every conceivable way. The alleged host Clifford Banes was never seen due to various implausible excuses.
We need this show to come back. Here are some of the greatest episodes.
Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don’t Give A Shit?
Premise: Testing is pointless because everybody is a lazy moron.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: He’s fighting his nemesis atop an abandoned clock tower.
Best quote: “What about all the historical figures who didn’t give a fuck about anything?”
Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?
Premise: It’s a commercial for a juicer.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: He ran someone over in the parking lot about an hour ago.
Best quote: “If I understand correctly, you’re saying that if customers act now they can have all this for four easy payments of $29.99?”
AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans
Premise: Alcoholic’s Anonymous is a dangerous addiction that destroys people’s lives.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: He’s slowly counting backwards from 100.
Best quote: “What’s in your cup? What’s the matter? Why aren’t you drinking?!”
Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor
Premise: There’s a problematic class divide between various levels of poverty.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: He’s being fitted for a sarcophagus.
Best quote: “Sounds like mansion trash.”
Should Adults Be Allowed To Bring Kids To R-Rated Movies Where We Masturbate?
Premise: All adults are uncontrollable sex addicts.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: This is the only episode he’s in… supposedly.
Best quote: “Nowadays you go to a film with Frances McDormand, you’re almost guaranteed to see me ejaculating all over the armrests.”
Is The Government Spying On Schizophrenics Enough?
Premise: The best way to treat people suffering from paranoid schizophrenia is with secret invasive technology.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: Unmentioned.
Best quote: “I think what would be great would be a recorded voice on a loop saying everyone around you wants to get you… in reference to help.”
Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?
Premise: It devolves into a reality show with shaky handheld cameras.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: He’s regaling the interns with tales of his days at sea.
Best quote: “When I would turn on the TV and see a skank on a dirtbike in a tube top, miniskirt, no underwear, trying to win an exclusive date with a C-list celebrity who wouldn’t even remember her name it hurt because I knew that I could never reach that level of skankiness myself.”
Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?
Premise: Americans have lost touch with the true origins of Halloween.
Excuse for Clifford Banes’ absence: He’s staying off the grid until things cool down.
Best quote: “Everybody, get out your amulets!”