• Proposition U (the “Sin Tax” Legislation)

    image

    It’s voting day, and this flyer appeared on various utility poles near 16th and Mission this morning.

    The text reads:

    Proposition U (the “Sin Tax” Legislation)
     

     
    Argument In Favor of Proposition U:

    No pleasure without pain.

    Rebuttal to Argument in Favor of Proposition U:

    Beware the wiles of mustachioed ladies. Are we really okay with a one-eyed King? Say wolverines, or badgers, scratch through the low window, behind the Hydrangeas. Or a possum. Or an opossum? Either way — they’re still inside the house.

    Argument Opposed to Proposition U:

    If dolphins were larger, would they have old tires stuck around their heads, instead of old six-pack rings? Tracking polls indicate near universal acceptance of [argument]. We need to get back to defiling the native architecture.

    Rebuttal to Argument Opposed to Proposition U:

    There sits one day in a place far away a little girl and her doll. And her doll could be at risk and her risk could be very real even if the doll’s imaginary friend ran for office.

    Paid Argument In Favor of Proposition U:

    It’s like I said before. Your ship as come in, buddy! Stop fighting it.

    Paid Argument Opposed to Proposition U:

    A voter walks into a bar. He — and let’s just say it’s a he — sits down at a table. And let’s just say a gal comes over and sits on his lap. It’s a free country.

    What do you think, readers? How are you going to vote on Proposition U?

  • ArTREEstic

    Artreestic
    Artreestic

    An odd piece of framed art recently appeared on a tree on Dolores Street. How artreestic! Click the images for a larger view.

    (Spotted at 16th and Dolores)

  • Instacart shopper entrance

    Instacart Shopper Entrance
    (Spotted in South Park)

    Um… what is going on here? Even I don’t use Instacart enough to have a special entrance just for my grocery delivery guy — and I’m about as lazy as it gets.

    What next? Special Lyft-only parking? Laundry just for AirBnB guests? A credit card that only works with Kickstarter?

  • San Francisco tourist FAQ from a local

     
    In the interest of helping tourists who are new to San Francisco, as a local I thought I’d answer a few common questions.

    Q: Should I go to Alcatraz/Pier 39/cable cars/Coit Tower?
    A: How the hell would I know?

    Q: How do I get to…
    A: Well, first you pull your phone out of your pocket. Then you start the maps app, and you type in where you’re going.

    Q: Where’s the entrance to the Golden Gate Bridge?
    A: You’re already on the Golden Gate Bridge. You just can’t see it through all the fog.

    Q: Where can I park around here?
    A: You can’t. Whoever told you to rent that car owes you an apology.

    Q: Since bread bowls are high in carbs, why are San Franciscans so thin?
    A: Fact: Nobody who lives in San Francisco has ever eaten soup in a bread bowl.

    Q: What do the locals eat?
    A: Typical, healthy San Franciscans eat 1 to 1.5 times their body weight per month in burritos (or as you call them, “Chi-POH-tly.”)

    Q: Should I head over to Haight-Ashbury, get high, and put a flower in my hair?
    A: The wind will blow the flower away. And you’ll get busted ineptly trying to buy drugs from some dumbass in Golden Gate Park. So please, go right ahead.

    Q: Can you show me where my favorite episodes of Full House and Monk were filmed?
    A: Yes, but first we’ll have to get in your rental car and drive down to Burbank.

    Q: I saw two hairy, shirtless men in the street, wearing leather masks and whipping each other. Is there some kind of street fair going on?
    A: Nope.

  • Journeyman’s San Fauxisco

    Did you ever see the 2007 TV series Journeyman? No? Neither did anyone else. The short-lived series is about a newspaper journalist in San Francisco who accidentally travels through time to hang out with his ex-fiancee.

    And if that wasn’t strange enough, this man lives in a bay area mansion on a journalist’s salary.

    The show is set in San Francisco, yet filmed mostly in San Fauxisco, a strange and magical land where it’s cheaper to film.

    But audiences are stupid and require frequent reminders about a show’s setting. Rather than limit themselves to the 100 seconds of footage actually shot on location, Hollywood prefers cheap set pieces and inexpensive effects.

    Here’s two examples from the very first episode. Our time-traveling hero Dan wakes up in Golden Gate Park. Which, of course, has an amazing view of the Golden Gate Bridge:

    Later, Dan’s wife Katie walks down a suburban street, which obviously needs a Bart/Muni subway stop:

    Click any of the images to enlarge.

  • 16 reasons laws should include animated GIFs

    Image via Buzzfeed

     Consider this for a moment: What do people enjoy reading these days?

    If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that everyone wants listicles with animated GIFs. This is why Buzzfeed has an Alexa ranking of 221 whereas, let’s say The Atlantic, is ranked far lower at 1,868.

    So why does our government keep producing longreads? Just look at the Obamacare bill; according to Wikipedia it’s 906 pages. And that’s nothing compared to all 73,954 pages of federal income tax laws. Who has time for that? We all have to pay taxes and take care of our health, but you’d need superpowers to plow through all those documents on your own.

    It wasn’t always this way. In fact, a few of our first national laws were in listicle format. But somewhere along the way we got off track.

    Next time you see your government representative tell them you’ve had enough of their lengthy manifestos. From now on you want simple laws you can read, preferably with lists and animated GIFs of cats falling off chairs.

    Because that’s what everyone wants these days; after all it was enough to bait you into reading this post.

  • Fogust descends on Dolores Park

    Fogust at Dolores Park

    This is the time of year when a lot of us take time off for vacation. The season of summer needs time off as well, which is why we have the month of Fogust.

    A strange thing happens as the fog engulfs the city; the area around Dolores Park is shielded from the fog by Twin Peaks, leaving a big sunny patch. One has to wonder if a certain Junipero Serra took this heavenly parting as a sign for where he should start construction when he arrived here in Fogust of 1776 (Okay, June 29th, but close enough.)

    And perhaps one day in the distant future, archeologists will stumble on this sunny spot in the foggy ruins of our city. And maybe they’ll figure out why San Franciscans spent so much time fighting over building things that — most of the time — nobody could even see.

  • Blurry Simpsons

    Blurry Simpsons

    Finally, a street art mural of the Simpsons that’s as blurry as my memories of a time when the show was still funny.

    UPDATE: The Simpsons have now come into focus.

    (Spotted in Clarion Alley.)

  • Song lyrics in C++

    The other day while hacking away on some C++ code and listening to music, something occurred to me: if I’m programming in C++, shouldn’t the music I’m listening to be in the same language?

    So I took a few verses from various random songs and coded up C++ translations of the lyrics. Here’s what I was able to hack together.

     
    2Pac – Dear Mama

    English:

    When I was young me and my mama had beef
    Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets
    Though back at the time, I never thought I’d see her face
    Ain’t a woman alive that could take my mama’s place

    C++:

    // When I was young me and my mama had beef
    if (this->young()) {
        this->append(new Beef());
        mama.append(new Beef());
    }
    
    // Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets
    // Though back at the time, I never thought I'd see her face
    if (this->getAge() == 17) {
        this->remove(getShelter());
        this->seeFace(false);
    }
    
    // Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place
    mama.replacement = NULL;

     
     
    The Beatles – Hey Jude

    English:

    Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
    Take a sad song and make it better
    Remember to let her into your heart
    Then you can start to make it better

    C++:

    // Hey Jude, don't make it bad
    jude.it->make(!JudeState::BAD);
    
    // Take a sad song and make it better
    sadSong.improve();
    
    // Remember to let her into your heart
    jude.setReminder(new Event(JudeState::ENTER, jude.getHeart()));
    
    // Then you can start to make it better
    jude.it->make(JudeState::BETTER);

     
     
    David Bowie – Man Who Sold The World

    English:

    Oh no, not me
    I never lost control
    You’re face to face
    With The Man Who Sold The World

    C++:

    // Oh no, not me
    // I never lost control
    assert(this->control != NULL);
    
    // You're face to face
    // With The Man Who Sold The World
    Man m;
    m.sell(world);
    you->setFacing(&m);
    m.setFacing(you);

     
     
    Lady Gaga – Born This Way

    English:

    Don’t hide yourself in regret
    Just love yourself and you’re set
    I’m on the right track, baby
    I was born this way

    C++:

    // Don't hide yourself in regret
    if (!you->visible && you->regret)
        you->visible = true;
    
    // Just love yourself and you're set
    you->love(you);
    
    // I'm on the right track, baby
    getTrack(Track::RIGHT)->set(this);
    
    // I was born this way
    assert(this->state == this->creationState);

     
     
    The Police – Every Breath You Take

    English:

    Every breath you take
    Every move you make
    Every bond you break
    I’ll be watching you

    C++:

    while(true) {
        switch(you->getEvent()) {
    
        // Every breath you take
        case BREATH:
    
        // Every move you make
        case MOVE:
    
        // Every bond you break
        case BOND_BREAK:
    
        // Every step you take
        case STEP:
    
            // I'll be watching you
            this->watch(you);
            break;
    
        default:
            assert(false);
        }
    }

     
     
    Kanye West – Power

    English:

    No one man should have all that power
    The clocks tickin’ I just count the hours
    Stop trippin’ I’m tripping off the power
    Till then, fuck that the world’s ours

    C++:

    // No one man should have all that power
    for(int i = 0; i < men.size(); i++) {
        Man* man = men.get(i);
        if (man->has(allThatPower))
            man->remove(allThatPower);
    }
    
    // The clocks tickin' I just count the hours
    setTimer(1, &countHours);
    
    // Stop trippin' I'm tripping off the power
    you->tripping = false;
    bool power = true;
    this->tripping = power;
    
    // Till then, fuck that the world's ours
    if (getCurrentTime() != then) {
        that->fuck();
        world.setOwner(this);
    }

  • Hot Dog Suit Man

    Hot dog suit man

    Superman, Batman, Spiderman — and now — Hot Dog Suit Man!

    If I had to venture a guess, I’d assume his superpowers involve squirting out condiments into the faces of his enemies, safely apprehending criminals with his “bacon wrap,” and giving people a bad case of the runs. What a badass!

    To see Hot Dog Suit Man yourself, check out his Bun Cave over at Albion and Camp.