• Did Captain Picard have sex with Q?

    There’s a funny scene in the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “Tapestry” where Captain Picard wakes up in bed next to Q.

    The characters have the following dialog (copied from here):

    				Q
    		Good morning, darling.
    
    Picard jerks back in shock. Q smiles as Picard grabs
    his uniform and begins to dress.
    
    				Q
    		A little jumpy this morning, are
    		we? Feeling guilty perhaps?
    
    				PICARD
    		I don't have anything to feel
    		guilty about, Q.
    
    				Q
    		No?
    			(mocking)
    		"We were friends, Q. Nothing
    		more."
    
    				PICARD
    		You're the one who gave me the
    		opportunity to change things...
    
    				Q
    		So what happens next?
    
    Picard thinks for a beat.
    
    				PICARD
    		I don't know. But I do know that
    		things will be different.
    
    Q looks at him for a beat.
    
    				Q
    		I'm sure.
    

    What’s important to understand here is the context of the scene. It’s implied that Picard just had sex with Marta, a female friend he’d fallen out of touch with years ago.

    Or did they really have sex? It’s not clear any of what’s happening here is entirely real.

    The backstory is that Picard died, and while on the operating table he wakes up in an all-white room. Who should be standing there but Q, an annoying man who has god-like powers but spends his time tormenting people.

    Q gives Picard a choice: stay here and you’ll probably die, or I’ll take you back in time so that you can change the past to avoid death.

    Picard’s choice is obvious, despite the fact that he doesn’t believe anything Q has to say; after finding Q standing over him in the afterlife, Picard quips that Q can’t be here because “The universe is not that badly designed.”

    In spite of his initial misgivings Picard relives his past and makes new choices to allegedly prevent his death. One of those choices is having a relationship with Marta.

    But is Picard’s initial instinct correct? Is Q messing with him?

    A.V. Club’s Zack Handlen points out three ways to interpret Q’s offer:

    [1] Q insists to Picard that what we’re seeing is the actual past, instead of a construct […]
    [2] [T]he easiest being that nothing that happens here is really “real” at all, that all of it is created by Q to teach Picard to accept that the man he was is responsible for the man he is,
    [3] or else it’s just Picard having a death-bed hallucination.

    Handlen finds the second option most likely. While the setup is reminiscent of the Dickens classic “A Christmas Carol,” throwing Q into the mix complicates the scenario. I agree with Handlen’s reasoning — rather than pure Dickens-style fantasy, this seems to be all Q’s doing. It’s entirely in character for Q to mess with Picard’s mind by creating meaningless choices like this, and the episode seems to bear this theory out.

    So if Picard had a sexual encounter in Q’s recreation of the past then who did Picard have sex with? Marta couldn’t have been there, so did he have sex with some kind of recreation of her? Or did Picard essentially have sex with Q?

    Now look, I’m not saying Picard is gay. And as far as I can tell Q is asexual (though he gets off on tormenting people.) But that doesn’t mean Q can’t summon sex partners from his own mind. Presumably Q would have to animate the people he creates in some way. In the context of Q replacing his facsimile of Marta with himself when Picard woke up, Q’s dialog (as above) seems intentionally flirtatious. The question is then of whether Q was the one behind Marta’s mask or whether it was Picard’s vision of her that brought her to life.

    If we go with the theory that Picard fell into Q’s trap, then what does that say about Q’s actions? Did Q rape Picard physically (rather than mentally) this time? Or by finally buying into Q’s world, did Picard effectively submit to Q’s advances?

    As with any fiction the story’s questions are ultimately up to the audience. A show like TNG gives the audience plenty of questions, but few seem so directly targeted at those writing slash fiction.

  • False alarms: how the city should have responded

    On Sunday, the entire city heard the warning system (“air raid” siren”) that’s normally tested on Tuesdays at noon. Apparently this was due to human error.

    Which is fine, really. People make mistakes.

    What is NOT fine was what they did next: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

    Instead of using the AlertSF system to notify people that the alarm was a mistake, they sat on their asses and fielded calls from (rightfully) confused residents, who were in fact told specifically NOT to call — we’ll get to that in a moment.

    It doesn’t help that the voice message played after the alarm is muddled and incomprehensible. If it was audible we would have heard the “This is just a test” message to let us know everything was cool. But we didn’t.

    The city’s official page for the outdoor warning system helpfully explains what to do in this situation.

    If you hear the siren at a time other than its regular test on Tuesday at noon:

    • Stop what you are doing.
    • Stay calm.
    • Listen for possible voice announcements.
    • Turn on the radio or television, (such as KCBS 740AM, KQED 88.5 FM) for important information provided by the City.
    • Avoid using the telephone. Do not call 9-1-1, unless you have a life-threatening emergency.

    In other words, listen to a voice you can’t hear or turn on a radio or TV in a town where everybody has Hulu Plus and iPods. Hmm, yeah about that. The last bullet point is particularly troubling since apparently the city got quite a few calls, meaning many folks didn’t follow these rules and/or were not aware of them.

    Here’s my advice to the city in the future:

    1. Stop using the alarm to indicate things that aren’t related to emergencies. Haven’t you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?
    2. When the alarm is set off by mistake, immediately post a message to AlertSF letting us know it was a mistake.
    3. Turn the voice message on the alarm off, since an alarm followed by a muffled message is more confusing that just an alarm.
    4. Come up with a more realistic set of guidelines for what to do when the alarm goes off that don’t involve antiquated technology like radio. Then take the time to publicize this list so people don’t flood the phone lines with questions.
    5. Train the employees responsible for the alarm so they know how to use it.

    Seem reasonable? If the city can’t be trusted to use the alarm in a sensible way, we need to scrap it.

  • Sad note

    Sad note

    I noticed this sad handwritten letter stuck to the side of a building on Clarion Alley the other day. It reads:

    My friend died last night. He was stabbed twice in the heart. He was dead before the abulence (sic) arrived. His name was Sol. He had an interview for admission to an art school today. he was talented. he was nice. He was selfless. he was tortured. He was loved. He loved. He had many friends. He is missed.

    ♥ friend of Sol #1

  • Bark bombing

    Bark bombing

    Remember yarn bombing? Yeah, that’s sooooo 2011. It’s played, man. Get with the times. Now it’s all about bark bombing.

    Not enough trees in your area? Just wrap your favorite “no parking” sign post in a layer of eucalyptus bark. It adds a natural and outdoorsy essence to the corner.

    (Spotted at 16th and Sharon)

  • Ubuntu as an OS X TimeMachine server

    One of the best features of Mac OS X is TimeMachine, a ridiculously easy to use backup system. The downside to TimeMachine is you either have to use an external hard drive or buy Apple’s TimeCapsule backup hardware.

    Turns out there’s a third option — use a Linux PC as your backup server.

    With Ubuntu Linux 12.04, I highly recommend following this guide, which explains the safest route. Keep in mind it’s completely unsupported by Apple, of course, so if your backups are overwritten with My Little Pony pictures, don’t go complaining to the Genuis Bar.

    A couple notes on the guide:

    • Most users can safely ignore the part about Shorewall settings.
    • The guide glosses over user-level security. You could use your normal user account for backups, but you should consider setting up a special user account just for TimeMachine. That way if someone hacks into your Mac, they’ll only have access to your backups and not your entire Linux PC.

  • Alley Barrel’s new rules

    New rules at Alley Barrel

    Last week, I posted a photo of Alley Barrel’s rules, which notably contains a tongue-in-cheek provision banning hipster conversations.

    After some local coverage, several major sites covered the story. Why? I dunno, but it was amusing to watch — though a few commenters seemingly interpreted the hipster rule as VERY serious, most readers recognized that hipsters complaining about hipsters is the very type of irony that defines modern hipster culture.

    This weekend, I went back and found a modified version of their rules. Changes to note:

    • A footnote for the rule about no hipster conversations claims the rule was a “complaint verbatim from our neighbor.”
    • A sixth rule has been added, which reads:

      not posting this on instagram, you hipster

    Good thing I’m not hip enough to use Instagram.

  • A look behind Obama’s Mars teleportation scandal

    Thanks to whistleblower Andrew D. Basiago, many news outlets picked up the story of Barack Obama’s early 1980’s jump gate to Mars teleportation scandal in late 2011.

    The story of Jumpgategate apparently comes from Basiago’s frequent calls to the Coast to Coast AM radio show, which is of course where someone who wants to be taken seriously would call. He has sent Coast to Coast AM his time travel photo. For some reason there’s only one photo. Oh well.

    Thanks to the internets, you don’t need an AM radio for one particularly amazing story — Basiago explains his childhood experience with “jump gates” on YouTube:

    A few months later, the White House denied these claims to Wired’s Danger Room reporter Spencer Ackerman.

    What could Obama possibly be hiding! And um, why are you only telling us about this now, Mr. Basiago? Why didn’t you mention any of this when you wrote about life on Mars in 2008? Kind of a glaring admission, in retrospect.

    But Andrew Basiago has had some previous after-the-fact predictions that were remarkably equally belated; take, for example, this report of the Sept 11th attacks on the United States in 2001 that he predicted nearly a decade after they occurred. (Update: Link changed to Archive.org’s backup copy because the original link no longer loads the article.)

    But it doesn’t end there, oh no. The same fellow has a range of stories that involve him and/or his father participating in unusual DARPA programs.

    Here’s Basiago explaining his childhood teleportation experiences. (Update: this video has been made private.)

    Andrew Basiago on visiting alternate timelines:

    And here’s a video of Basiago lecturing for an hour about time travel, teleportation, unlimited energy, 3D holograms, etc. etc. (Update: this video has also been made private.)

  • Alley Barrel rules and regulations

    Alley Barrel rules and regulations

    Four Barrel’s back alley — aka Alley Barrel — hosts a weekend-only coffee service with occasional street food vendors.

    Recently they posted a rule sheet, mostly consisting the please-don’t-piss-off-our-neighbors variety. But one rule stands out:

    …not talking about annoying hipster topics, or who you fucked last night. You shouldn’t do that anyhow, but our neighbors actually can hear you.

    Now while this particular rule may sound somewhat sarcastic, it’s worth noting that most people do not live vicariously through overheard stories of love conquests occurring at Crystal Castles concerts. So perhaps there is a shred of truth to this.

  • Lisbon’s Super Mario Bros. obsession

    Super Mario mushroom
    Super Mario
    1 Up
    Super Mario

    As mentioned in the previous post, Lisbon has a Super Mario thing going on with its street art. Someone must be nostalgic for the 8-bit days.

    I think the sign in the 4th image is for a bar… can’t be certain since it was closed both times I walked by.

  • Lisbon street art

    Outdoor stairwell in Alfama
    Street art
    Street art
    Perception reception
    Street art
    Street art
    Street art
    Street art
    Dream amplyfyier
    Go Shopping
    Mickey Mouse
    Adults with imaginary friends are stupid
    Street art
    Outdoor stairwell in Alfama

    Lisbon is one of those rare places that looks just like the postcards. Even the street art is beautiful. Above are the best of what I happened to see.

    Stay tuned for a subsequent post on Lisbon’s obsession with Mario, which will include some street art that deserves an Official Nintendo Seal.